2021 - Geneva
Dearly beloved, we are scattered here today, falling apart in spite of everything we said. Far from everything we wanted now. How did we let it begin? Well, don't leave until you know when we'll be back. When we're far from everything we feared, not far from everything we sought out. Falling far behind, it seems I've landed uncomfortably this time. (they never let me in) in a masquerade. I'll never see it. They won't know what that means. You won't know what that means until its far too late. Passing by my favorite road, the sycamores in a row, and I have no clue where I'm headed to, but I won't leave until I know when I'll be back. (Until I know when I'm back) I smell the petrichor as I walk by your door, but I'm afraid no one's there anymore. So why can't you see me? This pass stopped redeeming. So close, yet still kept to the edge. You won't let me in. So now I'm falling far behind. I'm uncomfortable this time; in a masquerade.
2018 - RAISON DˋÊTRE
001 Id // I am exactly who I want to be. I do exactly what I want to do. Don't self interpret what is right for me. My destiny will not be catered to you. The status currently: somewhere between a life and a dream. A full fledged pledge, depending on the day. A value to aspire. This is not the cries of self proclaimed despised misunderstood adolescence. It's the proclamation of a free thinking mind. This must be my reason to be. It all makes sense now, makes so much sense now. Justify our encountering. Add meaning to our dark days. I am only a man, I cherish the ones I love. I fear the ones I love. I hurt the ones I love with honesty; sour vulnerable honesty. Oh shattered reflection, what have you done to us all? You're not the best me. This is therapeutic clarity to cope with the endless thirst by the winged one. It is certainly not for them. We are exactly who we want to be. We do exactly what we want to do. Don't self interpret what is right for us. Our destiny will not be catered to them. 002 Ukiah // Drifting so softly in the air, so fine so thin, it's hardly there. In every brick in every leaf, a cold tangible frequency. And I want to feel that fire again. Before the chances pass me by, will I ever get to thank them, to join them, to know them before they are gone? You knew the naive younger me, I'd sing the sorrow cheerfully. Back then, the flame was prevailing: in every brick, in every leaf, in everything. And that fire made it all worth while. It used to cut through my days and sink into my dreams. And I want to feel that fire again. You say you're nothing from nowhere, but you are one of us. So where are the ones with the radiating eyes? Where are the ones who have a fire inside? (We've been rejected) 003 Anti // What is this overstimulation I feel? I am betrayed by my own chemical build. I will not let you have this over me. I do not need those seconds of ecstasy. There was a time where my heart beat romantically, but it left me a wretch trembling for receipt. Now it is hostile and revolted by the amorous atmosphere. I don't wanna talk about it, think about it, hear about it (no) anymore. No more remorse. I am not the alpha. I am not the beta. I am not the omega. I am the anti. Misjudge the will of a broken man. I'm not seduced by those glands, hips, and fads. So vulnerable, so trusting, this continuation is counterproductive. Reduce the perfect frames and smiles down to contorted piles of flesh. Time will dull your lustful edge. Return your borrowed worth back to the stars and dirt. Decades will bring decay. Nothing about you is sacred. Nothing about you is sacred to me. 004 Young Minds vs Young Hearts // Saw a friend of a friend of a mutual friend. Paranoid, still avoid certain instances. I can't see her face again. Heavy breath, heavy weight pressing on my chest. Caught a glimpse, cannot sleep completely regress; I saw her face again. Because you know that I can't wait to see you once again, but I can't risk them mentioning my name. No I can't let her see me once again, and I can't risk them mentioning my name to her. Just a shell of my former self, couldn't wait, fled the state. Letters on the shelf; five addressed to you and my former self. Why did I let you in? If only our young hearts had the foresight to listen to the warnings of young minds way back when we were kids instead of falling for something as trite as falling in love. And I know that its been quite sometime now, but I still fear that I'll see her around. Reminding me the absence of his grace each time I see that painful pretty face. 005 Strange Friends & Friendly Strangers // Yea I know who you are, or shall I say I remember who you were? Indecisive as always, the same stalemate that left me sessile. What we share is not so rare, but certainly extraordinary. I've never met you before. I've known you my whole life. Do I know you or did I know you? Stop this disingenuous concern. I have come to learn when someone's felt the same weight, and when they simply can't relate. I know it's hard but that's just life is all they'll say. It's all you'll say, you can't relate to the unrivaled joy and pain. Waning innocence waxing in presence. And to think you and me, that this happened by choice. And to think you and me... and to think that we... To afraid to speak with honesty, revolted if they see how truly broken. A soul as bright as yours will destroy me til' I'm dissipating disappointing memories flickering in hearts I've touched. Fragments of unrivaled joy and pain. 006 Character Flaws // I stare at shadows on the rooftops. I've seen them move after we stop. I took for granted each occurrence; far too concerned with time and scars. And recently (these days go by like hours) And recently (these weeks go by like days) With not enough projection and too much reflection. In the night on the lawn on my back just staring. I've felt regret for quite sometime. And that's a character flaw that I can see inside me. Still, I know that I won't stop trying so hard to get back everything I had. Ignoring present day and obsessed with the past. Living life with no projection. Distorting truth to fit perfection. It's never too late to find me. My younger self will be waiting in the night on the lawn on my back just staring. This place reminds me of the past, just let me stay here. 007 The World's Strongest // You've gotten what you wanted so get out. On this day I vow to never allow another one in. No, never again. What seemed like shelter during my time of need was nothing more than the tricks of cunning enemies. Why did I want this so much in the first place? I trusted what the fables all portrayed as what would come to be, but was betrayed. How can I restore the signs displayed? Now you've gotten what you wanted so get out. Behind incompetence lies their confidence. Never again. Why is this happening? How can I avoid this from happening again? Never again. 008 Aphelion // If only the stars in the sky that night were not so bright. If ours was not so far. Only equipped with half the warning, they press on with their interpretation of the cryptic calligraphy. And their very existence as a species hinges on this victory. Despite best intentions, their actions will be in vain. (Do I lead these men to an early grave?) Will the struggle outlive us? Do we destroy the deity for all mankind? Flow like the water flee swiftly with silent grace. (Before the longest wait for light) Fear when his fists begin tightening, rage strikes down like lightening. (Ashes and flames) The final passage they could not obtain. If they voyage out to his domain, they will all be slain; effortlessly, mercilessly slain. They search for new life in a place that only offers death. They'll never reach the shore. Months and months pass out at sea, the men press on with the prophecy. Wait for the full moon with no stars. Strongest the farthest from the sun. The men arrived as Earth was at aphelion. At the mercy of the sea (God's have abandoned me) amidst the violent storm they'll scream (God's have abandoned me) The God's have abandoned me. The God's have abandoned us all. 009 Hide in Reverie // Have you ever wanted something so bad you couldn't stand a single second in your life without it? Does it's absence drive you mad? Does a voice in the back of your head keep singing: "If I want it, can't I have it?" Why don't I have the means to grab it? I try everyday. I bleed, I pray, I hope it comes my way. Devoured by the pain, what remains is unbroken empathy. I pay attention to my heartbeat. I listen to it's rhythm as it dances at the chances when I reach out for such thing. But it's for nothing, it just amounts to nothing. I couldn't wait to prove that something I made would finally prove that one thing to you. I remember all of the words she would tell me. Oh how I crafted such a false security. I would hide in quotes and dreams. I would hide in reverie. 010 K-A-M // Well you seemed like the right idea at the time. What's mine was yours and what's yours is theirs. I don't miss the holy spirit that used to follow me. I don't care if I'm saved, and I don't want to be free. I want slavery, your heart, and your beauty (to be taken away). I couldn't stand another hand on you, though I'm afraid I got carried away. But I'll save those three things and recall your wings as the most cruel irony that I have ever seen. I miss you more than anything, and I don't mean that romantically. I'm not another boy who's lining up to get you in his sheets. I miss the girl you were before you fucked the world, and before you made me hate the songs we'd sing. Is that why everyone's so jaded, and why all forms of art saturated by now? Goodbye for now. See you've been dead to me for years already. 011 The Queen Paradigm // You're talking in your sleep while saying nothing in your dream. And you're treated like the queen of all you see, but you're still empty. Keep on clawing further down to find that old light we used to shine. Pretty witty with the perfect words, shall we look backwards? I wish I wasn't in love. Your body's paralyzed, but you can't close your eyes. Lets make it hard to sleep at night. I hate to sleep at night. It's all right... Why am I always the prey? Were you intending to destroy what's left of me? And I should really refrain from getting angry. And maybe try to sing a happy melody, but all the notes she'd sing are too high in this key. And I can't emulate the calm sensation her voice would bring. How can we admit we're wrong when we believed it for so long? How can you admit we're wrong when we believed it for so long? We're you just pretending, anticipating my defeat? How could you admit we're wrong? I wish I wasn't in love. I thought I had resolved this, but it must have been a dream. You're still the queen of lust and I'm the king of defeat. It's all right... You're talking in your sleep while saying nothing in your dream. And I could be the king of everything I see, but you're still invisible to me. 012 First of Five Letters // Pretty little narcissistic, let's keep this more simplistic. Filler words flood from my brain, pass my lips, and get in the way of what I'm trying to say. I fear it's all too late to mend this and bring us back together. It started with a black dress and a dim light; so inviting to stay the night. It was winter, but it felt warmer than that summer without you in my life. And I'm feeling hopeless and homesick again. I'd tell you everything but you'll just forget. I'm feeling hopeless and homeless. I'd tell you everything. So pretty little narcissistic, your intents seem so cryptic. All your words flow through my veins, and etch their own spot in my brain. Slowly they're defining me. There's nothing else left to say, I cannot get away. Now I'm feeling hopeless and homesick. I'd tell you everything but I can't admit. But it's just so hard to admit to myself that there is more to this when I say I'm feeling homeless. Because home's not a place, no it's not a place anymore; it's just a feeling I get when you're close. You can't remember how this all started, and that's so hard to hear, because I tried to hard to forget. (I tried so hard to forget you)
2015 - Landscapes
001 Woodland Park 06/06 Prelude // (instrumental) 002 Naive Novelty // You think you can just walk away from responsibility? I won’t let you get away with it this time. Selfish ties will lead to broken hearts. And if you choose what’s right then you’ll throw away what’s left. I will make you an offer you cannot refuse: you can live in lies or you can face your awful truths. It’s time to face the facts, despite how ugly. It’s not you who sees her tears or how she’s trembling. But it’s killing me to see her recalling how I was never truly there. Feels like I’ll never be the same to anyone or anything I ever knew before. Don’t let it end like this. Though I know nothing of hell, I’d spend forever in flames. If it meant saving your life, I’d gladly burn. I was right, you’re choosing what is wrong. If you choose right then nothing’s left. So stand for justice, or join the hall of the heartless. I can’t believe this is happening. My darkest fears are unraveling. My delicate sanity: a falling fragile vase. When it breaks we will be living in a nightmare. All it takes is one bad day. 003 Cultivating Icicles // Oh this has to get easier someday. “Time will heal all”, is what they say, but for now I don’t sleep because I see your face each time I close my eyes. So tell me what it is you need me to be and I’ll be it, girl I’ll be it. Tell me what it is you truly seek, I’ll give it to you. She says, “You need to take a step back from me, you don’t really know me at all.” Which is sad but true in so many ways, despite all our years she completely changed. And you were just so predictable. I should’ve known this never last. This will never last. If only… And even if I tell you, I don’t think you trust me. Even if you told me, how could I believe you? Because all our spoken words are broken now. Step back from me, you don’t really know me at all. This relationship was a total waste. I’ll have to try my whole life to forget your face. And you were just so predictable. I should’ve known it’d never last. How could this last? But I’m not gonna be so insecure, knocking on your door saying I’m better, or this lasts for forever if only you’d let me. But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be: you and me at each other’s throats, lying, and crying to cover up mistakes. If only… If only you’d let me… If only 004 Addicts Never Admit // Silence is a contrasting companion to my own head. I grow tired of my mind’s Incessant nonsense. What have we become, hollow shells of ourselves obsessed with love? And it’s hard as hell trying not to dwell when you can’t sleep (can’t sleep at night) But it’s not too late for you, and if there’s anything I can do to get you through the night, we’ll talk it out until the sun arrives. I could never forgive myself if I was the last one you asked for help. I could never forgive myself if I found out tonight that you were… How did we let it come to this? Life full of regrets and narcotics has got you slipping so much closer to your death. And I don’t think I could face that situation. Please don’t ever make me face that realization. That situation where I lose a sibling. The very one who gave my own life meaning in my time of need. Don’t you give up on me. Step away from the edge, this deserves a happy ending. You deserve a happy ending. I could never forgive myself, if I find out tonight that you were dead. 005 Skeletons // Despite the now and then, I can remember when life gave no reasons to smile. Felt I could never win, but never say never when you can just try again. The words I cannot speak are just the songs that I’m gonna sing. You should find something you adore. It always leaves you wanting more. So you shouldn’t be feeling sorry for yourself just find something that you adore. And all this contradicting advice crowds my head. So I’ll just follow my father’s words when he said, “someday I hope the man you are and the man you could be will meet.” To let the two be one is destiny. This goes for everything: be who you want to be. And try not to focus on all of your mistakes, you do this far too often. And you tend to question every decision you make. You’re on the outside looking in, and hiding skeletons. 006 The Mansion // Please don’t let go. I don’t want to be alone, and I can hear them everywhere. I’m afraid of all the shadows, but every corridor is a little more black. You know that I believe in ghosts, but that’s not what scares me the most. It’s not a secret, no, it’s no secret. Everybody knows we won’t make it out alive. Paranoia hidden by these four walls. I’m wide awake while you’re fast asleep. I’m counting bullets while you’re counting sheep. They scratch and gnaw at every single window and wall until their nails break down to the bloody bone. These walls are paper thin; they’re so close to caving in. I go sleepless every night, I’m terrified. And I can’t decide if I should use this bullet on their head or on mine. There’s nowhere to go, there’s nowhere to hide. Trapped inside for way too long. When will this nightmare be over? 007 Drowning in The Fountain of Youth // So it’s been another day and another night and another year. Yea, but I’m not any older, any farther, or much stronger than where I was years ago. And I have nothing to show. And I can’t accept it. I always tell myself this has to get better. They always say it just gets worse. Creating art that no one sees. Another year, still no degrees. But in the end you’ll see how much this really means to me. How much really is that paper worth? Did your parents save the funds before your birth? Will you leave more than a corpse upon this earth? What’s the point of life if we just survive until we all die? So what’s the point of life? And I hope you enjoy the path you chose, because no matter where we go: death takes us home. 008 Set Fire to the Past // What did you expect? I’ll settle for nothing less than the truth. The rest is up to you. And I don’t believe you have answers to the questions we’ve been asking since the dawning of the human race. How the fuck is it a fact if it’s found by faith? You’re not mistaken, they offer everything you wanted. Take it for granted. But I can guarantee that you won’t be happy until you’ve taken away everything. What’s right for you is not right for me. There’s not a faith that’s guaranteed. Life is merely what the mind perceives. Death is a mystery: an emptiness, or a final rest, nobody’s cursed, no one is blessed, nobody knows for sure. So for now we just endure. Which leads me to ask, how long must I suffer? It’s not like you to be the one giving up, and you’re the last person to hold a grudge. You are not alone, I’m right here with you. You play the game, I pay the price. Doubt crawled inside and said, “How long must I suffer?” And when you change the course of history, will you remember me at all? (I was right there with you) And when you change the course of history, will I remember you at all? I don’t want to forget you. 009 Wisher // Is your skin still crawling with that sense of insecurity? Well you can’t keep falling over and over again. You say, “I’ve searched myself, for a braver part of me”, but your conscience failed to stop you from the start. Waking up from these past years has opened up my eyes (has opened up our eyes to all the things you wouldn’t let us see) This time, your cause is a lost one. We’ll leave you far behind. Your cause is lost. So why didn’t I see this coming? It’s weird to look back on this from the start. Both of our eyes were on the path that could have led us all to living off this art. But you’re not that person anymore, you can’t call us friends anymore. 010 Stopped at a Green Light // This is not your private love song. This is not where you sing along with me and the many thousands broken. The words unspoken are the only words that ring true when it comes to me and you and all the things we put each other through. I should’ve never given into your clues. And it’s obvious I would not feel the same way. I had the hardest time just trying to speak your name. But I never told you how much you were not worth fighting for. Thank God I can finally say that it’s over. I’m finally sober: free from all the fights and your intoxicating lies. Waking up to the car alarms, and they’re far too wise for the alibis. It took me all those years of feeling lost to find who I really am. Off and on throughout the seasons back and forth with blame and reason. It’s such a tempting thought releasing, but with you I was never happy. You were the worst kind of perfect. I was the worst kind of worth it. We knew it’d happen someday anyway. And they chopped down that tree where you just sat and held me and gave me all the signs: stopped at a green light. Which is just fine with me, I convinced myself I’m fine a very long long time ago. Ya know, they’re right, out of sight out of mind. You’re out of my mind. 011 Vanilla // Don’t rush out in the morning. Just lay a little bit longer here with me. Thought we had all the time in the world, but every seven days there’s five taken away. These screens and walls have turned into a cage. If you could take me to heaven, then I’d start missing hell. Oh well, it’s true, people will always want what they can’t have. Tremble at her touch, fluster and blush, she likes it too much. I can’t handle that look again, she bites her lip and pulls me in real slow. Vanilla scented with a devilish grin, you can taste it when you touch her skin. If you, baby you could make all this heaven and I’d stop missing hell. Oh well, it’s true, it’s so true, people will always want what they can’t have. And no one’s gonna take that away. Our bond will never break, because we share the most precious gift in the whole world darling. (And I miss that sweet taste)
All lyrics written by Tanner Isom // All songs written and performed by Hylian